Attention

When Lucy does not get enough attention, she has absolutely no problem letting you know. In this case, she felt she was more important than the TV.

Violated

Zoe was in a "I want to kiss you" mood tonight. I feel a bit violated.

At this moment

I am laying in bed
It is 6:38 AM
Dale is in the shower
Well that is possibly a false statement
Dale is in the bathroom
The shower water is running
The door is closed
So I am assuming
Let's go with Dale is likely in the shower
The dogs are laying next to me
That is a fact
No assumptions there
Lucy as usual has ants in her pants
And cannot sit still
Well she really does not wear pants
But you get the point
It is still cloudy outside
And rainy
Again
Which is not making me happy
I miss the sun
I try to find the positives in our Boston move
But here it is
I miss how much sun there is in Colorado
Any time of year
These gloomy gray skies are getting to me
Hopefully it clears up today
Okay time to get up
Get moving
And get ready for work
The day is upon me

Suspiciously like...

Today was a Tuesday but felt suspiciously like a Monday. Additionally, I felt like I was running 15 minutes behind the entire day and I hate that feeling. Oh well...I cannot undo today but tomorrow is another day and I am optimistic it will prove better. Boo today. Yeah tomorrow!

Not on my diet

While back in Troy, NY today Dale and I stopped for lunch at Ted's Fish Fry. It was not on my diet but there are rare opportunities for me to get fried haddock on a hot dog bun with red chili sauce, right? It is so delicious.

Final Gift

Dale joined me today for the six hour round trip from Burlington, MA to Troy, NY for my Grandma Janet's service. She had passed away on Friday.

It was a very nice service. My aunts - Sandy and Rocky did a wonderful job with the arrangements, flowers and service. It was good to sit and hear everyone share stories about my grandmother's life.

Best of all, I had the opportunity to see my family. My Dad and his wife Colleen drove up from Pennsylvania. My Aunt Sandy, my Uncle Dexter, Aunt Rocky, Uncle Charlie and my cousins - Jeremy, Shawn, Scott, Dawn and Stacey were all at the service.

Perhaps that my was Grandma Janet's final gift to her family - the chance to come together. In many ways it felt a lot like a family reunion today. It was great to catch up with everyone. I snapped some photos from today of my family.

And a huge thanks to Dale for joining me and keeping me company. He is the best fiancé a guy could ever want.

It is...

No matter where I go in life, New York will always hold a special place in my heart. It is where I came from. It is where I grew up. It is like returning to something familiar...something safe.

Not Quite

I'm in disguise. I bet this is how Batman feels when he is wearing his mask. Well...maybe not quite.

At least

The day may be snow covered but at least the sun is starting to break through the trees.

The enemy

A heavy wet, snow is the enemy of trees and power lines but is so beautiful. This is a shot from this morning.

Most of all

Tomorrow morning I will drive west to my hometown of Troy, NY for my Grandmother's memorial service. I am thankful Dale will be attending the service with me and keeping me company on the three hour drive.

It should be an unusual day. I will be saying goodbye to my Grandma Janet. I also will get the chance to see my Dad, which even at a sad occassion is appreciated. I will see my aunt's Sandy and Rocky, who I enjoy and have not seen in a couple of years. The most interesting part is I will also likely see my cousins, who I have not seen in over twenty years, which is odd. To me my cousins are all 12 years old or younger, not adults in their mid to late thirties with children of their own. It is always strange that people age whether you are there to see them or not.

Most of all, I hope it is a day full of sharing good memories about a woman who lived a long life and leaves behind the legacy of a wonderful family.

Once again

We once again made our own pizzas for dinner. Once again my pizza was better than Dale's pizza.

Why?

Once again my pizza featured an egg on top. And we all know an egg makes everything better.

Dale is disagree. Once again, Dale is wrong.

Soulful

Zoe has such a soulful face. This is her staring at me to feed her dinner, but she does it in such a soulful way.

Good dog

Lucy is in the family room sitting on the window bench looking out the window. She is a good guard dog and likes to keep on eye on the neighborhood. Zoe is asleep on her bed, so I assume she is just backup. Or lazy.

Remains of the day...Valentine's Day

I love that it is 10 days post Valentine's Day and the love of the holiday can still be seen in the house from the balloons Dale gave to and even the flowers I gave Dale. Although some of the flowers have come and gone, Dale has turned what remains into a beautiful, smaller bouquet.

Raindrops

The snow from last night arrived as rain and in my opinion that is a good thing.

No what?

So over the past two weekends Dale and I started and finished all three seasons of Dowtown Abbey. We drank the Downton Abbey Kool-aid and loved every last drop.

However, we both felt a little sad starting episode 7 of season 3 late last night knowing it would be our last Downton Abbey for quite a while. We sort of both felt like - now what - as the credits rolled.

It is a very interesting show and we quickly and easily become invested in the characters most of all. You see them change, evolve and grow over the years. I started disliking the character of Mary in the early episodes of season 1, but by season 3 she has grown to become one of my favorites. She is such a marvelously flawed and human character. Mary has a hardness on the outside with everyone but in private can be so vulnerable with her husband Matthew.

One of my favorite characters is Tom. He has evolved from a chauffeur, who hated what Downton Abbey represented to thr common people to someone now protecting Downton Abbey all while shifting from political radical to loving husband to grieving widower and father along the way.

I could go on and on and on. I think it is less the stories that pull you into this show than the characters. The characters are not the typical stereotypes but feel like three dimensional, real people. They are flawed, but surprise you at times with their love and generosity and at other times shock you by their selfishness. And isn't that really all of us?

I think most of all these characters remind us that human feelings and struggles are universal and centuries old. Our problems, our fears, our hopes and our dreams are not new. They have been the same, it is just the surroundings that have changed.

It is a charming show and if the sarcasm one liners of Maggie Smith as Dowager Countess of Grantham does not make you laugh...nothing ever will.

And I will end with a SPOILER ALERT:

I hope season 4 starts Dallas style with Matthew in the shower and Mary waking from a dream. Yes it was all a bad dream. Matthew is alive. Sybil is still alive. Edith is still awkward. Mary is still Mary. And if we have to...Bates is still in jail. But alas I do not see that happening. Bye Matthew.

So back to my original question...now what?

Rumor versus Fact

There is a rumor circulating that I started a fire in the fireplace, but did not open the flue.

This is completely untrue.

It is a fact that I decided we needed a full house test of our smoke detectors. The only logical way to do this is to fill the house with smoke.

Good news! I am happy to report our smoke detectors passed this test and are fully functional.

I hope

I am feeling a bit more centered and at peace about my Grandma Janet's passing.

Dale summed it up very well saying, "A person accepts and gives the love they can. That accepting and giving is not a reflection of the people around them."It helps me realize that my Grandma Janet's inability to appreciate she had an amazing family who loved her is not a fault of us, but a fault of her.

As who knows, maybe she felt incredibly loved. Maybe she felt she was being loving. Maybe that was all she had in her to give and accept. We are all different. And it is nobody's place to judge.

Instead I am focusing on the memories that make me smile. My most vivid memory of my Grandmother is her sitting with her purse on her lap and her keys in her hand. She always was ready to leave - no matter where she was. I spoke to my Aunt Sandy today and she said it best about her Mom - "She was always in a rush to get where she was going and a rush to leave once she got there." That was my Grandma Janet.

I hope now she is in a place where she can be still and at peace. And if not, I hope she at least has her purse and keys.

Hat and Glasses

It is a hat and glasses kind of Saturday. It is a day for jeans and a comfy sweater.

I will try

My paternal Grandmother, Janet Whittaker passed away late Friday afternoon. It was not a surprise as she had been in a nursing home for years, had grown sicker and weaker over the years and was very sick the past few weeks. But no matter what death affects those who remain and it has impacted me a bit more than I expected.

I have had such a strange range of emotions and feelings from her passing. I am feeling a mix of sadness, disappointment, regret and guilt. It is so tough to put into words but I feel like I need to get it out. I know it will make me feel better. It usually helps me to write out my feelings, so here goes.

She was my Grandmother, so of course it is sad she passed. She was my family. I loved her. My Grandmother was a part of my life when I was a kid. She even lived with my parents, sister and I for a few years. However, Grandma Janet (as I always called her) had been sick and in a nursing home for so many years that I feel passing may have been a blessing for her. In many ways I feel she had been alive for years but not really living. She had been existing and I doubt that is what she wanted.

I visited Grandma Janet a few years ago in her nursing home while back home for my 20th high school reunion. I had not been back in so many years but I was glad I saw her. She was in bed. She was weak. It was easy to see the years had taken their toll. She was not as sharp as she once was, but remembered me. We spoke a bit. I had not seen her in about 12 or so years (I know you are thinking bad grandson and that is where the guilt lies, but I will explain more on this in a bit). I was glad to had seen her but I also knew it would probably be the last time since living in Colorado I rarely made it to upstate New York. And it was the last time.

In all honesty, Grandma Janet had little in her life other than the passing of time. I know many will read that last sentence and think how sad, but the tough part to explain is that in many ways my Grandmother created that life. It makes me feel guilty (and a little embarrassed) to say it, but it is the truth.

Grandma Janet had three children (one being my Dad) and seven grandchildren (one being me). She had too many great grandchildren for me to accurately count without me straining my brain - so let's settle on a lot. The point is Grandma Janet had people - her family - who loved her, but it always felt as if she kept everyone, including me at arm's length.

Grandma Janet was not what you would ever think as grandmotherly. She was not the Grandma who baked you cookies or spoiled you with gifts. Even with seven grandchildren and countless great grandchildren, I have no recollection of her ever holding a baby. I know that sounds weird but she was not that kind of grandmother.

So I lay here in bed wondering why?

Why was she so unable to accept love?Why was she so distant even with her own family?
What happened in her life that made her this way?
Did she regret having a family?
Did anything bring her joy?

So then I feel guilty.

Why didn't I ever ask? What did I have to lose? Probably nothing really because I had so little in terms of a relationship.

But I was not a good grandson either. I took the easy way out and just did not see her much once I became an adult. Really only a handful of times once I turned 18. I allowed her to keep me at arm's length just like everyone else. I figured why bother. It is what she wants. I moved to Arizona and then Colorado, so I allowed the miles to be an easy excuse. So that is why I feel guilty. I feel bad I did not try more, push harder or force a relationship.

I lay here feeling sad for a grandmother who has passed. But also sad for a woman who had a family, who loved her dearly but she never embraced. A family she treated as a burden and often even an obligation. And then I feel disappointed in myself for not pushing for more. And regret time is no longer present to try. And disappointed for it all.

And then I think to my Dad. I know he loves me. I have never doubted that love a single minute of my life. But our relationship is distant. It is what my Mother feared before she passed. And it saddens me it has come true. We just have little connection. And the miles become an easy barrier to accept. I wonder if history or family history is just repeating itself. Do we all become our parents. Do we make the same mistakes? Or at least similar. I hope not.

So to my Grandma Janet I saw goodbye. I will try to remember the woman who called me Tom-Tom or Tommy. I will try to remember the woman who took me to diners for breakfast and would take all the sugar packets and jellies home in her purse. I will try to remember the woman who served me Wonder Bread (un-toasted) with margarine and sugar rolled up and called it a Breakfast Rollup. Those are my good memories and the things that make me smile about her. I will try to accept she did the best she could in this world...giving and accepting what she could.

And I hope she is in a better place.

Bad Dream

Early this morning I had a bad dream. It was not wake up screaming bad dream but I did wake up feeling unsettled. It was right before the dogs woke me up for their breakfast. At the time I woke up I had full recall of the dream, but within minutes that faded. Maybe it is my mind's way of protecting me from something bad. I only have a recollection of a few images.

I was back in Lansingburgh, NY.
I was driving on 5th Avenue heading north.
I was in a minor car accident as I crossed 112th Street.
I was in front of a house I did not recognize.
The door on the house wad off the hinges.
My friends Sandy and Steve Stubbendick were outside the house too.
The skies were very cloudy and stormy.

That is all I remember. The images all feel like something I was watching on TV rather than actually a part of.

Weird.

Restless

Our dog Lucy was extremely restless last night. The batteries became low in the attic smoke detector, so she was hearing the subtle, distant beep, beep. Except with her hearing it was not so subtle probably.

As a result, she could not get settled to sleep and that meant Dale and I could not get settled to sleep. Lucy is not what you would call "subtle" by any means. If she is not settled, she will move mountains (or us) to get settled. Lucy was next to me, then next to Dale, then under the covers, then above the covers, then at the foot of the bed and then back next to me all in a two minute span.

I really do not know how people with kids deal with having a kid sleep in their bed. I can barely handle a 15 pound dog.

Sunset

I snapped this photo from the airplane last night on my flight from Boston to Phoenix. The colors were so vivid as we flew toward the sunset.

I Don't Care

The woman next to me on the plane is mad at me already and we just boarded. I will not trade my window seat for a middle seat so she and husband can sit together. The flight attendant offered me a free drink but I am sorry an $8 drink is not overly enticing to sit in a cramped middle seat.

After I nicely declined trading seats, the woman said, " A seat is a seat," in a snotty tone. My response was, "Great...then no need to swap."

I think the flight attendant hates me too because I do not want to switch but I don't care. As I was coming down the aisle I overheard him say, "Don't worry...people will usually switch."

I do not want to sit in the middle. It is a 6 hour flight. If it was so someone could be next to a child, okay...but she and her husband can spend a few hours apart. They are in the same row, just middle seats. He didn't ask to swap likely because he does not really want to sit next to her in all reality.

She keeps acting all huffy and dramatic, which only makes me know I made the right decision. Bad people and bad behavior should not be rewarded.

All set

Dale and I now have a 100+ page document that will protect us while sick, allow us to pull each other's plug (in the non-gay way) and handle our assets post death. We signed our names far too many times, but our trusts, will and living wills are all set. It is funny but all we really cared about are two things:

1. That the other is taken care of in the event we do not pass together;
2. That the dogs are cared for in the event we do pass together.

All the rest of it is just noise. This is just one of the many reasons why I love Dale - we are on the same page with the important stuff. What matters most is each other and the dogs.

And I know he wants his final resting place to be back in Colorado and he knows I expect a 30 day funeral where people, including Dale, throw themselves on my casket and weep uncontrollably.

I was right

Dale said our appointment this morning at the attorney was for 10:30 AM.
I thought it was at 10:00 AM.
Dale said I KNOW it it at 10:30 AM.
Those words are capitalized for a reason folks (he he).
He said he WAS SURE OF IT.
I emailed the attorney's office.
Our appointment is at 10:00 AM.
I was right.
I am not gloating that I was right.
Oh wait...yes I am.
I was right.
I was right.
Probably not best to gloat today.
I am signing this morning at 10:00 AM giving Dale power to pull the plug on me.
Oh well.
He'd probably pull the plug anyway.
But I was right.
I was right.
It is the simple things in life that make me happy.
Like being right.
Did I mention I was right?
I won't lie.
It is rare.
Dale is normally right about these things.
But not today.
Today I was right.
But if history proves itself.
I will be wrong tomorrow.
Or even later today.

All that really matters to me

This morning we are headed to our lawyer to finalize our wills, medical power of attorney and all of that legal jazz. We had these documents in Colorado but since Massachusetts is more liberal for the gays, it made sense to re-do them here.

You would think wills and documents about being sick or final wishes would be depressing but it really does not bother me. I just accept it as planning and making sure our wishes are handled. You never know when your time is up, so it is good to be ready.

Besides I plan on going first. I expect Dale will make a shine for me and pine over me daily. That's all that really matters to me.

Hat Day

After a weekend of Downton Abbey, I am realizing hats are a lost art. Mary rocks the hats on that TV show. We need more hats (and I do not mean baseball caps) in the world. I am leading the charge by wearing a hat today.

Downton Abbey Marathon

This was a lazy weekend on the couch in front of the TV. It was cold and snowy outside, so it was the perfect weekend for TV and fire in the fireplace inside.

After hearing so much about Downton Abbey, Dale and I gave it a try and could not stop. It is so addictive. We knocked out 14 episodes total, so all of Season 1 is done and only 1 left for Season 2, plus the Christmas episode. Hopefully next weekend we wrap up Season 3 and are caught up like all the other cool kids.

It really is an interesting show showing the two classes in a single estate. The wealthy upstairs and the servants downstairs. What has truly interested me has been something I never considered - the class levels within the servants. You have servants who directly care for the wealthy family and then second class servants who are never allowed out of the kitchen or upstairs. It is interesting. I never thought about tiers within the servants or even working class.

I am also surprised by the gossip shared between servants and the wealthy family. I just never expected the level of fraternizing but it does make sense when you have servants who dress and bathe you.

Overall a great show and I am excited for when the zombies show up in Season 3.

Make Your Own Pizza Night

Tonight was Make Your Own Pizza Night in the Glittaker household. We made two personal sized pizzas. My pizza had tomato sauce, low-fat cheese, meatballs, sweet peppers, onion and an egg on top. It was delicious and fun to make.

Guard Dogs

Thank goodness we have such vicious guard dogs protecting the house. Nobody is getting past these two killers.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

Last night Dale and I drank the Kool-Aid and gave the British TV show Downton Abbey a try. Everyone has been raving about it and once Shannon Spencer recommended it, we knew we should give it a try. After all, she recommended caramel salted cookies and we loved those.

We watched the first three episodes of Downton Abbey and loved it. I think we are hooked.

The show had a big impact on me. I moved Dale to the basement this morning and he is now officially my valet. He will dress me and make sure all my needs are taken care of (wink, wink).

I hope the next 22 episodes prove to be as good.

Two thumbs up

Dale and I saw the movie Lincoln yesterday afternoon. We were both very impressed with the movie. It was very well done. I felt it gave me a true a sense of the time period, the politics and the President. It covers the weeks leading up to the signing of the 13th Amendment and months leading up to the end of the Civil War as it relates to President Abraham Lincoln. The acting was superb. Daniel Day Lewis and Sally Field were as usual top notch. Spoiler alert: Lincoln dies at the end (I did not see that coming).

I also saw Argo on a plane last week. That was one of the best movies I have seen in years. I did not expect to like it as much as I did. For those unfamiliar it focuses on a secret CIA mission to save six U.S. hostages from Iran, who escaped the embassy before it was stormed in the late 70's. It was another excellent period piece with top notch acting including Ben Affleck, who I feel did deserve an Oscar nomination for directing too. Spoiler alert: The hostages are freed.

The timing worked well for seeing these two movies as the Oscars are next Sunday and it is more enjoyable when you have at least seen one or two of the nominated films.

But if you get a chance definitely see Argo and Lincoln. Both are well worth it. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!

Idea for Dale's Birthday

I have figured out Dale's birthday. I am going to make it a Bachelor Birthday Party, since he likes that TV Show.

I will invite 24 hunky guys over in suits. Dale will wear a suit. I will have them all hang out around our family room over cocktails and try to woo me.

I will them pick one of them to give a rose at the end of the night and be mine forever. It may be Dale. It may not. That is where the surprise comes in. Either way there will be 24 rejected bastards and one guy who is mine all mine. This way Dale can experience the feeling of the TV show that he loves first hand.

Wait...this sounds more like a gift for me than Dale since I get to be wooed and get to pick. Oh well. It is the thought that counts. And I guess that makes it what you call a win-win.

This is genius.

I thought so

Any time Dale and I disagree on something I immediately suggest we vote on it & then claim to have proxy votes from our dogs Lucy & Zoe. That's normal right? I thought so.

Calvin & Hobbes

I have the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes on my brain right now. I am not sure why, but it is. I have the entire 10 years of comics in three bound books Dale bought me years ago. I read some of them last weekend and maybe I will read some more this weekend.

My favorite Calvin & Hobbes comic features Calvin talking to his Dad. I love this exchange:

Calvin: "Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all of the opportunities you botched?"

Calvin's Dad: "If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy."

Calvin (later to Mom): "Mom...Dad keeps insulting me."

It just kills me. Calvin thinks he is so clever to call out his Dad only to have the insult turned on him.

I remember once when I was a kid I was mad at my parents (for who knows what) and I said to them angrily, "I wish I was adopted." Without skipping a beat my Dad replied, "You don't think we wish that everyday too."

I remember being so horrified and shocked my Dad would say that. I thought I was so clever and original with my insult but there was my Dad to lob the insult right back. I assume this is why I started on the path to sarcasm but in reality that may have started in the womb.

I am so confused

Dale has a milestone birthday coming up in March 2013.
I will not say how many candles will be on his cake except it is more than 10 and less than 100.

I am trying to plan what to do for his birthday.

Dale says he does not want anything big.
Dale says he does not want to be the center of attention.

I am so confused.

Isn't that the point of birthdays?
How can anyone not want a big birthday?
Isn't this when you get to be the center of attention?
And to celebrate for weeks and weeks.

Or is that just me who likes that?

How do you spoil someone for their birthday and not make it big?
How do you not make someone the center of attention on their birthday?
Should I just send a nice card?

I am so confused.

Maybe this is his way of saying he wants a puppy.
That must be it.
A puppy it is.
Yeah!

It feels good to solve a problem.

Luckiest guy alive

Another wonderful Valentine's Day is in the books with the man of my dreams, Dale.

I love this holiday. I love a day all about love. But most of all, I love Dale.

Dale made today so special and just like he does the other 364 days of the year, he made me feel loved and like the luckiest guy alive.

This morning Dale gave me my Valentine's Day gift over breakfast. He spoiled me with a handsome black sweater, two bars of soap from L'Occitane (which is like crack to me) and delicious yummy heart-shaped Peeps.

The love continued in the afternoon when Dale surprised me with a joyful bouquet of Valentine's Day balloons at work, which I loved. What is more cheerful than balloons, right?

And tonight brought take-out Chinese food from our favorite restaurant in Woburn, a beautiful Valentine's Day card and an evening on the coach in front of a roaring fire. It could not be anymore perfect.

Thank you Dale for a great day. I adore you!